What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 00:34
Comes on , in middle age.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It was going to be , some day.
She found it foreign!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I waited trembling.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She married twice! .
Was to survive, this bastard.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
I said to her
When she asked me how she looked .
Molestiae omnis voluptatem sed assumenda et.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She wouldn,t have been !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I think the readers, may guess!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Put me off passion for life!!
I was 9 years of age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I have no regrets .
My life is so biszare .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were not on the streets..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot live in the past .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And i lived it daily.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But, we were locked up after school.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What did i know ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was in good health!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im still living with it.
I was seconnd youngest,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was scared of men, in general
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I write beautiful poetry .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I don,t even have a pension.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Would this be the day?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Who then, do I blame.?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was very sick at this time too.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She loved him until the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I couldn’t, believe it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So, i spoilt her more .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
This is soul school!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My family never makes their pension either.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Ive learnt so much.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We all went to grammer schools
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I will be 64.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So whats the point in blame.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..